I Love You

My father was 80 before he told me he loved me.  From German stock, steeped in a stoic view of emotional displays, he just didn’t say it.  Ever.  Until he got sick and I was taking care of him, traveling from Atlanta to Blue Ridge where he lived on a mountain in a log cabin.  One day, sitting there trying to figure out something else to say to keep the conversation going he just up and said, ‘I love you and your brother buddy.  Proud of you.’ He always added the proud of you part after that.

I never doubted he loved me.  He just never said it until then.  Not sure if the illness and view of the 'end' made a difference.

When my kids were born I don’t remember making a decision to say I love you to them regularly.  I didn’t do the ‘my father didn’t do it so I will thing,’ rather I just did it.  So did my ex-wife.  We said I love you all the time. 

Still do actually.  When my kids and I text or talk we always end the conversation with I love you, or as my son says ‘love you Pop.’  Kristin calls me ‘father’ like we were British or something.  In her playful way I regularly get a text from her that says ‘hola father, how are you.  I love you.’  I enjoy getting those texts with her mixing the one Spanish word she knows with the formal way of saying Dad.

Jennifer, the oldest, she of the grandchildren…have I told you how my grandchildren are the most beautiful and smartest kids ever born?  No? Hmmm…I will write about that then.  Anyway Jennifer says love you all the time too, and adds the icing on the cake when she tells me Hayleigh and Max do ‘love their grandpa.’

In recent years my best friend Neil and I say ‘love you‘ when we hang up the phone.  One of us always initiates it, with no protocol in place for who says it first.  But as we hang up after several different ways of saying ‘that’s all I got to tell you’s’ one of us simply suggests giving love to our kids (something neither of us do, probably) and a quick ‘love you’ before we hang up.

I guess there was a time when two guys saying I love you to each other would have been seen as funny.  Certainly in my father’s time.  He didn’t say it to his kids; sure as hell didn’t say it to his best friend Rabbit Hunt, even though my brother and I knew Dad loved Rabbit.  Or Mario Cuili either, who played shortstop for him.

Maybe the world needs more men saying I love you to each other. Maybe we’d have less stupid wars.  Less macho posturing and chest thumping.  I can see President Obama saying I love you to Vladimir Putin (wonder how those Russians figured out how to resurrect Stalin from his grave and put him in Putin’s body?).  Of course if he did it in Russia he’d get arrested since homosexuality is illegal in Russia.

I love you can be a throw-away line too.  I’ll bet Chris Christie said ‘love you’ to those aides he threw under the bus after the lane closing fiasco…President Obama probably says I love you to Michelle and the girls on the same day he approves a drone strike that kills people.

Congressman probably appear loving and say it to their kids…as they cut $15 billion out of the food stamp budget signaling their ‘I don’t love you’ to poor people or they argue for another NRA defense of assault weapons needed to keep America safe and the Second Amendment sacrosanct.

Many years ago there was a beer commercial, I think, that had a catch line ‘love you man’ that made the rounds and that we all used as a silly way to signal we needed something from someone.  That was a throw-away line, surely.  And I don't think saying 'love you' is supposed to get you something.

Don’t see much I love you in those actions.

My mother was completely opposite of my father.  Italian, always grabbing you and hugging you against her chest.  I love you rolled off her tongue as easily as asking how you were doing.  Cultural thing I guess.

Truth is men just need to be more like women.  Women love better than we do.  Women don’t build all the walls men do in order to not appear weak.  At least some women don’t.   I think women say I love you and act I love you more than we do.

Actually as I write this I wonder if you can tell a lot about a person by whether he/she says I love you or doesn’t.  I mean sometimes the I love you is real and you can feel it.  Sometimes you know it’s phony but we might learn a lot about people based on this.  Maybe that should be part of the license renewal form or something, or our tax form:  Question 14:  do you say I love you to your children and partner often?  If not, please add 5%  to your final tax submission.  That might work.

Or maybe we need a new nonprofit. God knows we have a few of those.  The IRS charters 3000 new nonprofits a month.  Really what could all those tax free organizations be doing that makes our life better?  But maybe www.iloveyou.org would catch on.  Hallmark or some candy company would probably buy it and make money off of it.

I guess what we really need is not people saying I love you more, just people doing I love you more. We need folks to stop and think before they act and ask themselves the question am I ‘doing I love you with this?’  That might make things better than a nonprofit or god knows a politician.

As for me, I’m just going to call my daughter and ask her how the kids are so she can tell me ‘they do love their grandpa.’  That's all I need in the I love you department...